Calling All My “Ride or Die” Chicks
Are you tired of being the "ride or die" chick only to end up heartbroken?
It’s still love month, sis! Can we talk about how we're moving in these dating streets? How many of us have been in situationships, or even full-blown relationships, that left us drained, hurt, and wondering where we went wrong? I know I have, a few times.
The other day, I called my homeboy to tell him about this lesson in either delusion or self-worth. I wasn't sure which, but whatever it was, it was wrapped in all the red flags with a warning label. I was getting to know someone new, and chile, this man was laying out his entire sob story – Past relationship drama? Check. No relationship with his kids or family? Check. Unemployment, bad credit, unstable housing, no car? You know, all the things you DON'T lead with, lol. I was telling my homie how proud I was because I dodged that shit like the plague versus my former favorite DIY "build a man" project, where I'd ignore the cautionary tales and give him a little grace because that's what Black men need in America, someone to love them correctly so they can reach their potential. In short, I was the female equivalent to "Captain Save-A-Hoe," also known as "Ms. Fix-It."
My homeboy listened to my rant and how I patted myself on the back for my growth, then he said, "Sis, were you dating with grace or pity?" I was triggered! One, how dare he call me out like that? Two, how dare he ask me a very valid question? Nothing like a good question to inspire some self-reflection.
The "Pity Dating" Trap
In our moment of transparency, we both admitted we were some "pity" daters. Out here thinking we were extending grace, giving people chances like we hoped someone would have given us in our low seasons. I think it's safe to say at some point we've all been in those spaces where we lacked, where we yearned for grace. We remember what it was like not to receive it, especially from the people we desired. So, we become who we want in the world by giving that unconditional support and grace to the people we are interested in. But what we were really doing was dancing with those red flags like we were on "Dancing With The Stars." We were choosing people who weren't aligned or compatible with the seasons we were in; we weren't even equipped to support them the way they needed. If we're calling a thing a thing, we were choosing people who probably shouldn't be dating in the first place. We were giving what we thought was grace, but in reality, we were signing ourselves up for a period of frustration.
The "Love 'Em Down" Cycle
Think about it. How many times have you tried to "love someone down," to build them up, only to find yourself single again after they've leveled up? They reach a certain point, and they "changed" up on you once the world saw their value the way you do. Most times, we pour so much into our DIY project that we deplete our own cup because we believe they will pour back into us when they have it. Instead, they only see the neglected and depleted version of us, but instead of extending grace, they see us as a liability to their new lives.
My "Miss Fix-It" Confession
Let me take you back to my "Miss Fix-It" days. I was in my late 20s, early 30s, and met this man. We had a great time, great conversations, similar upbringings; we were a match made in heaven... or so I thought. But then, the financial issues started. And me, being the "ride or die" chick I was conditioned to be, I jumped in to "help" without even being asked. Rent, meds, car note… I was there. He was always thankful, never paid me back.
The problem was, I couldn't depend on him to look out for me the same way. When I say the same way, I don’t mean financially, but with the same level of compassion, support, and grace in the areas I struggled in. Then another shift happened. Not only was I paying for everything, I was the one always checking on him and reaching out to make sure he was good. I was his secretary, making all his important calls; I was his advisor, helping him navigate corporate situations; I was his babysitter… shit, I was practically courting him! It didn't even bother me that much at first because he was down on his luck, and I was in a season where I was good. In my mind, I was "proving" I was there for him, not what he could do for me. I was a rider, remember?
Until one of my girlfriends saw him on a date… paying. Chile! I was embarrassed and low-key pissed. I tried to make excuses, but sis saw right through it. Then I started paying attention. Not only was he buying himself gaming consoles, motorcycles, all the gear… but he was always “busy.” Our conversations weren’t as good, we didn’t laugh the way we used to, and I couldn’t remember the last time we had a good time together. I noticed how he never once offered to pay me back or take me anywhere nice. I was devastated and stupid because, by then, I was in love. I didn't want to lose everything I'd "invested" in "us." After way too long, I finally "died" on that ride. I had nothing left. I fought over him, fought for him, and after all that, he still didn't choose me.
Looking back, I realized I gave him the things I craved in a partner: compassion, support, and space to make mistakes so he could be a better man. I could have saved myself a lot of money, time, and energy if I was those things for myself first or at the very least acknowledged those were the qualities I needed in a partner. I would have been able to recognize if he was someone who complemented my needs, not one who drained them from me early on. This new guy, with his sob story and his red flags, took me back to that moment. The old me? I would have jumped in, ready to "fix" him. I would have said, "I've been there too. I know what it's like to struggle." I would have extended that "grace," thinking I was being compassionate. Chiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllle, can you imagine if I was the old me, still stuck on stupid? I would have moved that man into my home and probably would have lost everything, including my community, to keep him there.
But the new me? Nah, I knew in six minutes and forty-three seconds he wasn’t the one for me. I recognized the situation for what it was: a trap. A trap I've fallen into too many times. Because what I was really doing was ignoring the broken parts of me by fixing someone else, putting their needs before my own so I didn’t have to address my own demons. I was pouring all my energy, all my love, into someone else, hoping they'd refill my depleted cup, instead of pouring from my overflow. Today I know better, so I do better and move accordingly.
So, I’m asking you, sis, how are YOU moving in these dating streets? Let's be honest with ourselves. Here are some questions to help you reflect. Answer these questions honestly:
Self-Check:
Are you constantly trying to rescue or fix your partner? Do you find yourself making excuses for their behavior or shortcomings?
Do you prioritize their needs over your own? Are you always putting their feelings first, even at your own expense?
Are you ignoring red flags because you're afraid of being alone? Are you settling for less than you deserve?
Do you feel like you have to prove your worth to your partner? Do you constantly seek their approval or validation?
Are you giving more than you’re receiving in the relationship? Is it a balanced give-and-take, or are you doing all the heavy lifting?
If you answered yes to most of these questions, you might be dating from a place of pity, not grace. And that's okay. The first step is recognizing the pattern. Then ask yourself why you feel the need to do these things and explore that.
Pity vs. Grace: What's the Difference?
Now, before we get into those red flags, let's take a moment to understand the difference between pity and grace, especially in the context of dating. It can be tricky to distinguish between the two, but it's crucial for building healthy relationships.
Pity often stems from feeling sorry for someone or seeing them as less fortunate. It can create an unequal dynamic where one person feels superior and the other feels inferior. It can be conditional, meaning it's offered as long as the other person remains in a "pitiful" state. It can disappear once they start improving or "leveling up." Pity can masquerade as helpfulness, but it often enables unhealthy behaviors and prevents the other person from taking responsibility for their actions. Over time, pity can lead to resentment and frustration, especially if the giver feels unappreciated or taken advantage of.
Grace, on the other hand, comes from a place of empathy and understanding. It recognizes that everyone makes mistakes and deserves compassion and support. Grace is offered freely, regardless of the other person's circumstances or behavior. It's about seeing their potential and believing in their ability to grow. Grace empowers others to take responsibility for their actions and make positive changes in their lives. It's about offering support without enabling unhealthy behaviors. Grace is emotionally nourishing for both the giver and the receiver. It fosters a sense of connection, compassion, and mutual respect. Grace encourages personal growth and transformation. It allows people to learn from their mistakes and become the best versions of themselves.
In the context of dating, pity often looks like:
Ignoring red flags and making excuses for someone's bad behavior.
Constantly trying to "fix" or rescue your partner.
Prioritizing their needs above your own.
Settling for less than you deserve because you're afraid of being alone.
Feeling like you have to prove your worth to your partner.
Dating with grace, on the other hand, looks like:
Setting healthy boundaries and communicating your needs clearly.
Choosing partners who are equally yoked and aligned with your values.
Supporting your partner's growth while also prioritizing your own well-being.
Recognizing and appreciating your own worth.
Creating a balanced and reciprocal relationship.
Now, let's talk about those red flags. Here are some common ones to watch out for:
Red Flags:
Love bombing: Excessive attention, compliments, and gifts early in the relationship. It can feel overwhelming and manipulative.
Inconsistent behavior: One minute they're hot, the next they're cold. This creates confusion and anxiety.
Lack of accountability: They never take responsibility for their actions and always have an excuse.
Disrespectful communication: Name-calling, belittling, or dismissive language.
Financial instability: Consistently struggling with money, especially if they're not actively working to improve their situation.
Unresolved trauma or baggage: Everyone has a past, but if their past is constantly impacting your present, it's a red flag.
Inability to communicate effectively: Difficulty expressing their feelings or listening to yours.
Addiction or substance abuse: This is a serious issue that can create chaos and instability in a relationship.
If you see any of these red flags, don't ignore them! Trust your gut instinct. It's better to be single than to be in a toxic or unhealthy relationship.
Now that we've covered the red flags, let's talk about the green flags you should be looking for:
Green Flags:
Mutual respect: They value your opinions, feelings, and boundaries.
Open communication: They're able to express themselves honestly and listen to you without judgment.
Emotional maturity: They can handle their emotions in a healthy way and take responsibility for their actions.
Shared values: You have similar goals and priorities in life.
Supportive and encouraging: They celebrate your successes and are there for you during challenging times.
Consistency: Their words and actions align, and they show up for you consistently.
Healthy boundaries: They respect your need for space and independence.
Financial stability: They're responsible with their finances and have a plan for their future.
Remember, you deserve a love that feels good, a love that nourishes your soul, and a love that helps you grow. Don't settle for anything less.
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